Without You
by CharlotteJeanF
Summary: Seamus is left behind when Dean goes into hiding during their seventh year.


**A/N: Heeeeyyy everybody :-)**

**I hope you're all doing well! I'm back to school now, so yeah, less time and more work, the same old stuff. But it's not THAT bad actually.**

**However, I found this fic I wrote when I was on vacation, and I decided to upload it. It's all Deamus again! Yay!**

**Also, I'm writing a little, well, kind of „sequel" to this. I'll let you know when I finished it :-)**

**Oh, and there's a new love in my life: TEEN WOLF! I just found out that it's the best TV series in the entire world and I have to say I love, love, love Sterek! **

**I already have thousands of new ideas in my head, and I will try to make them real as soon as possible!  
But until then, and until I finished the „kind-of-sequel" to this, I hope you enjoy this little fic of mine!**

**Cheers!**

**Xx**

**p.s. I know, this is not a happy fic either. But I promise, the sequel will have a happy end! And afterwards I will write you some awesome fluff for being so nice and reading this depressing stuff I make up :D Haha, I love you for reading this! Ok, so, pinky promise! **

**p.p.s. This is during their seventh year, while Dean is into hiding and Seamus is left at Hogwarts. It's Seas POV. :-)**

**Please review! :-)**

**Without You**

When I wake I feel cold, like every other morning since you left.

I turn my head and feel even colder. I'm still not used to the empty space beside me. This is where you should be; right here with me, my arms around your neck and yours around my waist. Your warmth would creep upon me like a sunbeam, slowly heating me up from the outside to the parts of me that are hidden deep inside me, under pale skin and fragile bones.

_That_ is where you should be – and not out there, all alone, hiding and fighting for your life. Well, maybe you're probably dea – _no_, I tell myself, _don't even think of it. No crying before breakfast._

I get up, rub the sleep out of my eyes and grab some clothes at random, before I tell Neville that it's time to get up. He groans, turns around and continues to ignore me. I can't help but think that you were never like that.

_You would already be wide awake when I used to wake up slowly, looking at me but then squeezing your eyes shut quickly and pretending to sleep, because you knew how much I loved it to wake you with a tiny kiss on the nose. Of course I knew that you were just pretending to sleep, but I loved the way you would slowly open your eyes and give me a smile as wide as the sky and kiss me right on the mouth, so I always played along. You were horrible at pretending, honestly, and often I thought about telling you, but when you said „G'morning, Seamus," in your raspy morning voice – which is downright sexy – I remembered why it was worth it._

I heave a sigh and go to the bathroom, slowly undressing and trying hard not to cry. I take a shower and allow myself to think of your dark, wet skin against mine, your hands caressing my body softly, your lips on me. I loved it to shower with you.

When I get out, the pain of missing you has become physical. My chest hurts, and I feel a growing headache. My hands shake as I get dressed.

I barely notice that I am wearing two different socks. These days I don't care about my looks because they're not important anymore. I mean, the only person I'd dress up for is you, and you are not here. You are not here to tell me how gorgeous I look and kiss me passionately and unbutton my shirt slowly and graze my skin with your beautiful artist hands and then pull my pants down slowly and -

„Seamus? You alright?" Neville's voice interrupts me and I suddenly realise that I am standing in our bathroom, my hands on their way down my body. I gulp and sort my clothes, trying to look as if I'm alright, which I'm obviously not. I miss your touch and your scent and your kiss and _you _more than I probably should.

„Sea?" I hear Neville again.

„Comin', Nev," I answer, clear my throat and open the door. He looks at me compassionately and pats my shoulder softly. „I miss him too, you know?" he says. I just nod and think _no, you don't. You don't miss him like I do, your body doesn't long for his so much it actually hurts._

But I don't say anything. I just take the shirt I stole from your drawer months ago and leave the quiet dorm. Now that you are gone and Harry and Ron are out there with Hermione, the dorm's come down to Neville and me, and I probably should be nicer to him. But I can't.

No matter how much he tries, he will never be able to fill the absence of you. No one ever could.

Before I enter the Great Hall, I stop in an empty hallway. I feel like I can't breathe and then there are waves of hurt and fear and anger crashing over me.

I press my face into your shirt, breathing in and out slowly and fighting the tears. I miss you like hell.

I still remember the evening you told me you'd leave like it was yesterday, though, and that doesn't help.

_It was the night after Dumbledore's funeral, the last evening before the summer holidays. The ceremony had just ended and you asked me to take a walk around the lake. And so we did._

_I remember holding your hand until we stopped right opposite of Dumbledore's grave, our eyes both red and swollen and us being tired and sad and exhausted and scared. _

_None of these feelings was as big as the thought that you would kiss me now, like we'd done it a million times before. But you just stood there and looked at me. I saw the reflection of the moon in your dark, beautiful eyes and I apprecciated your handsome face as you started to talk._

„_Seamus," you said, „I know this will be hard, but it's best for both of us. You know, now that Voldemort is growing stronger each and every day and Dumbledore is dead it's not safe here anymore, not safe for me. I don't know whether my father's a wizard or not, so I guess I am in great danger. There are tough times coming. Things change. People will die, and if the deatheaters get me I will definitely be one of them. Until all of this is over, I will go into hiding. I know that you're safe here, otherwise I would ask you to come with me, but this time I ask you to stay here. I won't write. We won't see each other in a long, long time. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to come back. Hell, I'm not even sure if I'll survive this shit!" _

_I had grown cold while you'd spoken and I felt tears prickling in my eyes. I knew what this meant, but I was too afraid to hear you saying it. If you'd say it out loud, it would become real, and I didn't know if I could handle that. But you said it anyways._

„_Seamus, I don't want you to wait for me when I'm not sure if I'll come back. I want you to live your life, and I want you to be happy. Find some other guy, and I know you will, I mean look at you, you a so handsome and nice and funny and loveable and gosh – I could go on forever, if we had enough time. I want you to find another guy and fall in love and have a glorious relationship and fight side by side and then win and get married and adopt kids and grow old together. I want you to be happy. Also, I want to thank you for the past months – it was the best time in my life. I enjoy nothing more than being with you, and I love you with all of my very heart, but still, we have to break up. You can't be happy with me. Go find the right one."_

„_But ... but you are the right one," I said, my voice shaking, and that was when you pulled me close and hugged me as tight as never before, in a way that made me believe you were never going to let me go ever again._

„_Don't believe this is easy for me, Sea, because it's not," you mumbled and pressed your face into my hair, „I love you more than anything and I hate that I will have to leave. I hate the idea of you being with someone else and I don't ever wanna lose you, because you changed my life in all the right ways. But I have to go, so ... this is goodbye, I guess."_

_I felt your tears running into my hair, over my scalp and down my neck, but I didn't care. I felt the same._

„_Dean..." I whispered, not sure what I could say to make you change your mind. We could find another way. Maybe live in another country, change our names, try to hide together. We could. But you just shook your head and then I was crying and you were crying too and you held me for a long time. You kissed me afterwards and the next morning you were gone, just as you'd said, and since then I haven't heard from you._

And it hurts.

I try to slow down my breathing which has become rapid, wipe my tears with your shirt and then pull it over my head. I need to stay strong, strong for you, for our future, for us.

It kills me to be here and not next to you, and not knowing anything is even worse. I am slowly dieing inside, but all I can do is hope that where ever you are, you're alive and you're fine, and that we'll soon meet again. I can hope that you think of me as much as I think of you and that you will still love me and that there's a chance for us.

And so, all I have left of you, Dean Thomas, the love of my life, are an old shirt and the hope for better times to come.

This is in my mind as I open the door to the Great Hall and walk in, without you.


End file.
